Part 3

“You know, I’ve had a lot of down time to think about this. I might become a therapist, someone that can talk to other kids that are going through all the things I’m going through.

You’ve inspired and encouraged me.”

A nurse walks in with a wheelchair.

“Okay, Madeline are you ready to go?”

“As long as Kelly can walk me out,” she looks at me.“Of course, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

We went as slow as we could down to the first floor, holding on to each last moment we would spend together.

“Kelly, I love you. Thanks for everything.”

“I love you too, don’t change one bit.”

She got into the car and drove away.

I turned to the nurse next to me.

“She seems so upbeat, but doesn’t look like she’s going into remission. I’m just glad she finally made it out of here.

She gave me a puzzled look.

“Didn’t she tell you. She isn’t going into remission, she’s terminal. She going home so she can go in peace.”

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Part 2

She got up immediately and practically floated, throwing her arms around me. “Kel, I’ve missed you so much, it’s been absolutely awful around here,” She pulled back in a sudden with excitement on her face.

“How’s the baby? Tell me all about her. What does she look like, how is she sleeping, has she had her first bath yet, what’s her name, how much does she weigh, does she look like you-?”

“Alright, hold on. Let’s sit down and I’ll explain everything.” After what seemed like hours, but was probably only twenty minutes, she looked at me.

“Kelly, I still can’t believe it. Maddie Jane Barnes. You really didn’t need to name her after me, but I’m very honored.”

“You’re my best friend, I want for Maddie to grow up becoming as strong and caring as you are.”

“Hey, I have something to tell you. They’re letting me go home today.”

“Wait, really? They’ve cleared you and everything? I wondered why there wasn’t any paperwork in here. Wow, I’m so proud of you, for sticking this out to see the other side.”

“It was scary, and sometimes still is, but things are all clearing up and I’m looking forward to move to the next chapter in my life.”

“What do you think you’ll do when you get out, what’s your dream?”

Part 1

This morning was a tough one. It was the first day I wouldn’t be with my daughter after spending 45 days together. I handed her off to our sitter, but not without as many kisses I could give her. Coffee in hand, I climbed into my car and couldn’t contain my sadness and guilt like maybe I shouldn’t be leaving my one month year old. I started to cry after I waved goodbye to her. But I knew I needed to get back to work. If other moms can do it, so can I. The drive was an eternity filled with thoughts of my sweet daughter. I walked into the hospital and took the elevator up to the third floor. I breathed in, reminded of the warm vanilla scent with a little bit of that typical hospital smell. All the nurses crowded me, “Hows the baby? You look great! Let’s see some pictures, is she sleeping at all?” I was bombarded with questions and as I pulled out pictures, all went quiet and you could hear the murmurs of “awe” and “how cute”. “Okay, okay. I’ve got some patients to see.” I mindlessly walked to her room, letting my feet take me to her room.

“Hey Madeline,” I smiled at her. Her off-colored face looked up to me and she grinned, one of those genuine smiles that seem to go from ear to ear. She was wearing my favorite hat, a teal beanie that covered her shaved head. It always brought out the sparkle in her bright blue eyes. Her ratted up brown blanket was sprawled across the bed. She was reading her favorite book filled with annotated poems and highlighted lines.

rEal BuT metAphOric

This hurts. More than just a paper cut, more than a scraped knee. No this is a car crash. A collusion of pain and body. Slammed against a telephone pole, left limp, feeling pain. I was going down the street, fast and sure but it swerved. They pointed me in the right direction. But first there is pain. I can’t breathe, it feels like something is sitting on my chest trying to break my heart. 

Tears fall but eventually I won’t realize they’re even there. The other car was affected, in a different way. They hit me to save me from the disaster but eventually both people get up hurt and walk their own way. Seperate ways but neither will forget the years spent crashing into each other. 

Neither will forget the crashing of waves against the shore. The shore is never the same but it always happens. They aren’t ever going to be the same but it was constant for awhile. There is still a trace of the waves. Small seashells are left scattered and broken. Maybe someone will pick up the seashell and see beauty in it. But for now it’s just scraps left from the tide. And unfortunately this tide isn’t coming back. 

The tide isn’t coming back because the moon moved. It left. The moon got passed its phase and stopped reflecting the sun. Effecting the tide and the night, leaving darkness alone and the waves stuck.

They’ll move on, things will return back to normal. But for now this hurts. More than just a paper cut, more than a scraped knee. No this is a car crash. 

get me out

It may be a little melodramatic but at this point I don’t care.

I long for something I can’t have. I’m stuck in a box and this goal is sliding father and farther from me day by day. All I need is some time to leave this box, walk up to it and deal with it. But every passing hour I have to continue sitting, with only minimal entertainment. Reading or sleep. Stuck reading about people reaching goals, perfect goals. I can see this goal, in fact, I sometimes get to walk out towards it. But every time it goes back, leaving more distance between us. It flirts with me, teases me. Asking questions and leaving my mind to seek this goal, when in fact I just can’t have it.

Please just let me out. Let me leave, even if I don’t get to deal with a goal. At least let me walk around, give me space. Stop telling me what to do and making me do things for you. I am now just entertained by busy work. Well, you could always clean or read, do homework. I have all my homework done. Yea, but you could always study ahead. We literally just started a new chapter, there is only so much reading I can do. Eventually I’m going to run out of work to do and they’ll run out of excuses.

But I will still be stuck in a box, left sitting and staring at a almost reachable goal.

AGH

I will be at S&T on Monday and Tuesday fore HOSA. Health Occupations for Students of America. I will be competing in an event for clinical nursing. We take a 45 multiple choice test in 60 minutes. If we get a 70% or higher we continue on to the practical. It’s either administering medication intramuscular, administer medication subcutaneous, measuring oxygen saturation, urethral catherization or applying a nasal cannula or oxygen mask. I’m pretty nervous, I’ve never done any of those nor do I know how to do any of these. Guess I’ll be cramming before on the bus ride down there. I’mm also going with a bunch of super smart straight A students. It should be fun and I expect to learn a ton. I also get to wear a gown and mask! I really enjoy wearing gloves too, I guess it’s a nurse thing.

I also have to finish my landscape this weekend for the art show on April 11th. I also have to finish my portraits but I expect that to take a long time because it’s all in the dark room. I’m also trying something new so I have to learn how and do it correctly.

Prom is in 4 weeks and it’s absolutely crazy! I have my dress and jewelry. But no shoes.

I’m also going to try to clean my room but that could take all weekend.

My brother has an only freshman lacrosse game tonight and I’m really hoping he gets to play. His knee is really hurting him though, so I hope he doesn’t injure it more.

Scene- Part Two

Okay, let’s just pick up the blade. I take a deep breath and lean down to pick up the razor. There’s a birthday card laying next to it. I grab for the card and on the inside it reads

Happy Birthday Abby! I’m so glad we’re friends and I can’t wait for all the memories we’ll make! Love ya girl! Ashlyn

Maybe I shouldn’t do this. None of my friends would want this and oh my, mom would be so disappointed.  Why don’t people just understand that I’m in pain! They just don’t get it. I bring the razor into the bathroom and start to run the shower. I slowly turn the knob adjusting the water to the perfect temperature. Each second passing, I can’t believe I’m actually going to go through this. I just want to focus on something other than the hurt I feel now, even if it has to be self-inflicted pain. I climb into the tub and sit down letting the water run over my lifeless body. Shaking, I bring the razor to my wrist. My hand falls. I can’t do this, I’m not that type of person. The pain  is so overbearing. I rush to swipe the blade across my wrist before I flake out. I have officially cut for the first time.

Let me know if there is anything I could change or fix to make this scene better. I really like this but I’m missing class Monday and Tuesday when we work on them so, I’m worried it won’t be at its potential.